Holy engagement rings!

Victoria Smurfit thinks our cover story is a load of muck.

I am what Bridget Jones calls a Smug Married. So I read Lori Gottlieb’s contentious essay in the current issue of the magazine (it starts on page 37) with that hat on. On my third attempt to get to the end, I realised that I’d have to try to remove my emotions and deal with this calmly. Tricky in the second trimester, I can tell you...

If ‘Marry Him’ had not come through on my precious laptop, I would have chucked it across the room in frustration. The self-absorption! The writer’s constant focus on herself and all that makes her tick! Aaarrgh! What an exhausting read. Could it just be her personality? Or are American self-help books to blame?
Of course Ms Gottlieb is single. She chose that. She chose that. When will she take her head out of her proverbial?

There is no evidence that she ever really looks at a man. Listens to a man. Engages in life on any level outside of how it makes her feel or how it reflects on her. What will the neighbours think of him? How does dating him make me look? This is all she is concerned about.

How can you spend three decades thinking that everyone you meet is sub-standard to your extraordinary requirements? I can only assume that Gottlieb is Venus wrapped in a roast dinner with a TV set for a head playing rugby on a loop. Seriously. Does she consider herself such a fabulous creature that she doesn’t have to worry about how men feel about her? Oh the shrink-given arrogance…

Breathe, stay calm.

My grandmother was a very wise lady. She used to tell me that if you expect a man to think the same way you do, you are the fool. We are not only different genders but opposite races. Yin and yang. Black and white. Good and bad. The world is created from opposites. Great happiness and deep sadness live hand-in-hand; that is the full spectrum of life. Why would you want to live with a clone when you can have the gaps filled by difference?

Now stop. If you are single and reading my rant and an expletive is forming...this is not about you. It is about her: Lori Gottlieb, the writer of this month’s cover story. It is about cultural differences. It is about what we have versus what we see. It’s irritating how we can have it all and yet with ease we can treat it with disrespect. This lady has had plenty of opportunities in her life to make life-long friends and start relationships, but she has chosen not to in the belief that she is ultimately better than everyone. Why else use the term ‘settle’?

Go on, girls – pick up any ol’ thing and marry it because even though we know we are superior, it will be cheaper and easier than a babysitter. “Marriage,” writes Gottlieb, “isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business.” Come on! A husband is infinitely more than unpaid help!

Ask yourself: are you the Full Deal? Are you the embodiment of everything one human being could want in another? I know I’m not. Was it the princess fairytales we heard in our youth that now make us demand a prêt a porter, perfect Ken doll? Perfect specimens, ready to be picked up by the Marry Hims of this world? Why can we not be content to find someone who we think is delicious? Someone who makes us laugh – at them, at ourselves – and makes us put the work in. Does it really matter if he slurps his soup? Or wears brown?

If it does, walk away. Do not settle and marry him if he is that turgid. You would not be content with a sub-par job, house or outfit, so why contemplate such mediocrity in a life-long partner? Get a friend. Or a dog. Or Sky Plus. But think on this: every relationship in your life needs to be nurtured to survive, be it with your family, your boss or damn it the flowers at the windowsill. We should be allowed room to age and change together. Nothing for nothing. 

Lori Gottlieb should stop worrying about what a man represents and actually open her coffers to the good in everyone. I may sound like Pollyanna here, but if you spend your energy seeing only the bad, then that will be your reality, created by you. 

‘Marry him’ bitterly complains about ageing – we need to settle quick as the wrinkles are forming. The author’s life is now baby-juggling and play dates. This makes her dull and ugly. Oh, how I would love to Irish Mammy all over this person. What is making her dull and ugly is her attitude. Can Gottlieb not see that she already has it all?

She was determined enough to have a baby on her own, before it became biologically difficult. She cares for and supports her child herself. None of this is easy. It’s challenging and exciting and it requires inner strength and humour. That is why women become much more interesting as we age. We have so much more than a tight backside to offer.

Damn it, woman – you are very lucky. Now see it please. 

Comments

[tungsten rings]

I do really enjoyed reading on your blogs i agree that it’s challenging and exciting and it requires inner strength and humour.

rhianne