Ireland v the Rest of the World in the Credit Crunch Championship: A game of two halves, both bad for us
‘Perhaps the most extraordinary aspect of this affair are [Irish Life & Permanent’s] claims, in private, that its actions were in keeping with a ‘green jersey agenda’.” The Irish Times, February 2009.
Welcome, sports fans, to another blustery afternoon at Croke Park, where it’s Ireland versus the Rest of the World in what promises to be another gripping encounter in this year’s Credit Crunch Championship! Ireland has hit a rocky patch lately and can expect some formidable opposition today. But one thing about these guys, they’ve got some team spirit. Isn’t that right, George?
Absolutely, Popey. We’ve seen it time and time again that when the chips are down, the Irish pull out all the stops to cover each other’s backs. Their club form has been poor recently, but when they pull on the green jersey, it’s a different story altogether. These guys never let each other down, that’s for sure. We saw it in the last match, Popey, when half the team stumped up €30 million apiece to try and dig scrum-half Seán Fitzpatrick out of that slippy patch by the centre circle. They still lost, but it was a heroic piece of speculation all the same.
Actually, George, I think Seánie ponied up that cash himself, out of the pockets of his own depositors. Now that’s what I call putting the team first! However, of some worry to the Irish today will be the presence of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Managing Director of the International Monetary Fund, at full back in the opposing lineup. Will DSK turn the game against the Irish?
Well, DSK has been known to rip through the back row in the dying seconds of a game. But I’d expect the second rows, Hans Geldmacher and Hermann Wahrung, two credit-ratings analysts at Moody’s, along with the editorialists from the Financial Times/Wall Street Journal at wing-forward to pile on the pressure from the opening minutes. Their power in the scrum of international finance will certainly be a test of the confidence we have in the Irish team, which has recently fallen below Greece and Italy in the international rankings.
The teams are on the touchline now and once again it’s time to sing ‘Ireland’s Call’:
“Ireland, Ireland/Together heading for a fall/Leverage to leverage/For dodgy loans, just give us a call!”
But what’s this? Fly-half Brian Lenihan won’t open his mouth! It seems he never bothered to learn the words. Sorry, Brian, you can’t bring your civil service advisers out onto the pitch, you know.
And it’s EU Competition Commissioner Neelie Kroes to kick off for the Rest of the World. Captain Brian Cowen at No. 8 takes a good catch and... Come on, Brian! Oh no, he looks like he doesn’t have a clue what to do with the ball. He’s just standing there like a kid caught masturbating. Oooohh! Well, you can’t expect to get away with that kind of dithering in the Credit Crunch. Captain Cowen has been double-spear-tackled by Commissioner Kroes and ICTU boss David Begg, who, in a sensational development before the start of the match, refused to don the green jersey and opted to play for the other side. It looks like Cowen is going to have to come off to be replaced by...well, it looks like Ireland don’t have any subs and they’ll just have to play on with 14 men. That looks like a nasty groin injury – he may not even be fit for the return match in Lisbon.
Midway through the second half here at Croke Park, and not since the grim days of Murray Kidd and Brian Ashton have we seen as abysmal an Irish team as this one. Nicolas Sarkozy has just run in his tenth try of the afternoon to make it a staggering 274 points to zero. Ireland are now down to 13 men as tight-head prop Seán Dunne is reported to have left the dressing room at half time and gone into the Guinness tent, where he is telling a man from the New York Times that he wouldn’t bet against the whole team being “taken out” before the game is over.
Extraordinary scenes here at Croke Park, where Tony O’Reilly has come down from his VIP box to take charge of the team in yet another remarkable sporting comeback. Maybe Sir Anthony can restore a bit of a pride to the green jersey as he kicks to touch...
But, oh dear! That’s in very poor taste indeed! O’Reilly didn’t notice that one of the Rest of the World hedge-fund managers had handed him a ceramic rugby ball which has shattered on impact with the Cusack Stand. An ignominious return to the green jersey for Sir Anthony!
At long last the Irish backs are putting in a bit of nifty work on the ball. A beautiful €7 billion ball is delivered to CEO Denis Casey in space on the left-hand side. Casey plays it out to Seán Fitzpatrick and then moves to pick it up again on the overlap.
Fitzpatrick to Casey, Casey to Fitzpatrick, Fitzpatrick back to Casey, Fitzpatrick, and back to Casey again! This is some very elegant accounting, folks! And Seánie Fitz is about to go over the line! Oh no! The referee has blown his whistle. Forward pass from Casey. Fitzpatrick is protesting about light-touch regulation but the ref is having none of it. And with that, he blows full time on what will surely rank as a day to forget for the green jersey.
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