The Dubliner Magazine

#4 Thou Shall...

... have your bank card ready in your hand by the time you get to the ATM

Look! It's your turn! Yes, the reason you were waiting here the whole time was to get to this machine. Oh, I know you've been here for a while and your mind has wandered and you've forgotten why oh why you started queuing in the first place. But let me remind you: IT WAS TO USE THE BLEEDIN' ATM!

Get your card out. It's the one with bank written on it. There you go. Stick it in. PIN time. Remember it? No? Well take a while to think what it is.

God bless you, you dizzy cow.

#3 Thou Shall...

...   at least put some enthusiasm or effort into slurring “Do you have any spare change?”

Come on panhandlers, show some pride in your work. Wearing box-fresh white Nike Air Dunks while hitting me up for 2 euros (a bit steep don't you think?) is not the best way to pull at my heart strings. Doing it while reclining against the ATM on George's Street and necking a Yop is definitely not going to yank open my wallet.

In fact, stop going near ATM's altogether. You think it's fun pulling my monthly rent out of the machine while you idly rubberneck my PIN code? It is, most assuredly, not.

#2 Thou Shall Not...

... wear a high performance tracksuit unless thou art a high performance athlete

Here Linford, where are you going in that head-to-toe Adidas ensemble? Ah, down to the shops to buy smokes, then onto the chipper for a battered sausage and a bucket of chips? But of course. One must be attired in the finest sporting raiment for such exertions.

And you young lady? With your blonde hair heaped onto your ceann like a three-car pile-up and eyelids tarred like a raccoon? Why do you object so much to lifting your feet off the ground when you walk and instead insist on a zombie-like shuffle? Do Ugg boots weigh that much?

Dublin's 10 New Commandments

 COMMANDMENT#1: Thou shall not carry a golf umbrella in the city

You are not sauntering around on the wide open green spaces of the links. You're on a crowded city street carrying a 60-inch in diameter dome of death, replete with sharp metal spikes at just about eye level.

You simply do not need to keep an area the size of Guinea-Bissau dry. If you're going to carry an umbrella, make it a small one. Not some three-man tent designed for the arctic tundra. Ideally make it see-through. Then you'll at least be able to see me when you bayonet me in the iris crossing Aston Quay.

Cian Hallinan