What Would Madonna Do

Victoria Mary Clarke goes on tour with Shane, Morrissey and the Dalai Lama

One of the most important considerations if one is thinking about a career as a celebrated personality (or even the sidekick of a celebrated personality) is that eventually one finds oneself having to tour. Even the Dalai Lama and Bono go on tour, so it makes sense that Shane and I do it too.

Which is why I find myself upon what is most likely a grim and rainy morning back home in Ireland sitting instead in sizzling sunshine at the Los Angeles Sunset Marquis, debating the most important question of the day – whether to have the buffet brunch or to order à la carte.

If one is as celebrated as we are, it is important to stay in control of one’s waist measurements. The buffet brunch can play havoc with this, because of course one wants to get value for money by trying a little of everything, including the chocolate croissants. Which is why I am opting for the à la carte.

“I wonder what Madonna does in this situation?” I ponder out loud.
“I am sure Madonna doesn’t eat in the restaurant,” my companion points out.
“And besides, Madonna is in control of her appetite.”

We discuss Madonna, and the way in which some performers can be utterly professional and some performers can be quite unpredictable. One of my breakfast companions worked with the late Keith Moon, and he tells us that Keith was full of surprises and would sometimes fall asleep behind the drumkit in the middle of a performance, a thing that Madonna would never do.

“But who would you rather have in your band, Madonna or Keith Moon?” he asks.“Madonna!” I say.

“No,” he insists. “You would rather have Keith Moon, because that way you would have interesting memories.”

I ponder this conundrum carefully. Shane fits more comfortably into the Keith Richards/Moon or indeed Ozzy/Pete Doherty type of performer than the Madonna type, and at times that can be stressful for those close to him. While I agree with this man who insists that he prefers rock legends who do rock ‘n’ roll things like setting fire to themselves and throwing televisions, I do find that there is a fine line between being just rock ‘n’ roll enough to make an impression and being so rock ‘n’ roll that you end up in a sticky mess.

For instance, Shane has set fire to several hotel rooms while we were sleeping in them. It does make for an amusing anecdote afterwards, but it is not actually fun to get chucked out on the street in the middle of the night.

The most tricky place to pull off rockstar behaviour without getting into serious trouble is at the airport or on a plane. Every self-respecting rockstar wants to look as if he (or she) cares not a fig for social conventions and wants to be brave enough to swan about the airport dressed in a filthy black leather costume and sunglasses, swigging a bottle of wine while swearing loudly. But almost all human beings prefer not to have a rubber glove shoved up their backside by a customs officer. And certainly most prefer to be allowed onto the plane that they bought a ticket for and not to be escorted off, especially if they paid to fly first-class like we did. Yes, it makes for better publicity if you get arrested than if you sit quietly and watch the movie, but one sometimes wonders if it’s worth the hassle.

A safer place to establish one’s rockstar credentials while touring is at the hotel. I do not advise throwing televisions around – it advertises a lack of creativity – but redecorating the room is a great way to get attention. Shane has often done it, sometimes with paint, sometimes just with felt-tip pens. The only problem is that it can be expensive, so in order to pull it off you need a good tour manager; one who thinks on his feet and is smart enough to match the wallpaper properly before housekeeping can see the damage.

But if you are a real rockstar you will never, under any circumstances, allow housekeeping to clean your room, so this is rarely an issue anyway. And if you are very cool, it is possible that the management will be thrilled with your mural and will have it laminated and put on public display, rather than painting over it.

One of the really tedious things about touring is going to gigs every night, especially if one is not even in the band and has to stand at the side of the stage. Unless the lead singer falls asleep at the microphone and has to be carried off-stage, as sometimes happens, but that is more stressful than exciting. At such moments one desperately wishes that one was at home watching telly, which rather defeats the purpose of hanging out with rockstars.

Which brings me neatly back to where I started, having breakfast with some guy who worked with the Who, and debating whether rockstar behaviour is ultimately better value than pop star behaviour. At the very moment we are asking the question, I spy Morrissey walking past our table. And I immediately know the answer to the question.

If I were to jump up now and throw him in the swimming pool, that would much more rock ‘n’ roll than if I just sat here and ate my breakfast. But it takes a bit of nerve to be rock ‘n’ roll. Which is why I will probably always be on the side of the stage and not actually out there, setting fire to it.
victoriamaryclarke.com

Comments

[Swanee]

Terrible.