How to Make a Drama Out of a Crisis

Victoria Mary Clarke’s guide to being a VVVIP

One of the many advantages of being a VVVIP is that what seems like a crisis for an ordinary civilian is often a golden opportunity for those of us who are celebrities, and not mere mortals. Even the really awful things that happen to one – truly mortifying and hideously embarrassing things – are opportunities to increase one’s profile by selling the stories, and of course the pictures. In fact, the more embarrassing the crisis, the more likely it is to sell; there’s a silver lining in any situation.

At first, the idea of making money from your misfortunes takes a little getting used to. Indeed, it goes against every normal human instinct, when confronted with an embarrassing or ‘shameful’ situation, to talk openly about it to strangers. For instance, if your cosmetic surgery has gone horribly wrong, leaving you with a chimpanzee’s bottom where your mouth used to be, your natural desire is to buy a balaclava and never leave the house again. But while it is important to act coy at first and pretend to be traumatised (never be premature when it comes to courting the media, it ruins the thrill of the chase), it is equally important to have your press agent negotiate a satisfactory deal for the ‘exclusive.’

Few crises are too bad to be newsworthy. If you are knocked down by a police motorbike and have a leg amputated, be smart enough to hold a press conference at your hospital bedside. If you are in a boyband and have a terrible drug problem, or if you’re battling a junk food-addiction and a massive belly, you might want to keep these things private. But as long as you talk about rehab and make sure to relapse later, you can generate a lot more interest by speaking out.